I realized after repeatedly crying myself to sleep what I could be using this empty blog for. I could use it to recover from all the anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, PTRS, clinical depression and other apparitions of the empty void known as my soul, so I can finally be at peace.
I will do this by expressing all the thoughts that go through my mind when I'm having a rough night with the hope that it'll help relieve my fears. Or better yet, should anyone come across this twisted writing (highly doubt it) they could know a little more about people who are struggling through a battle with their own mind. I think everybody does, even a little.
So tonight's one of those nights. It's 1AM and I can't sleep. All I can think about is how pathetic I am to be crying like this over the same thing. But I feel as though it can't really be helped when I'm so determined to never cry in front of others. How else do I let loose crying if not when I'm alone and feeling most vulnerable (a.k.a in the middle of the night because it's the perfect time to have an existential crisis *sighs*)?
There have been plenty of times where I've felt like crying in front of people. Even for something as mild as watching a sad movie with friends. But I can never bring myself to do so, not even in highly stressful situations/heated arguments because in my head : Crying = Weakness. I have no idea why or how this belief came to be but it's quite troublesome.
When someboy else cries, it's so uncomfortable to watch. Unless they're tears of joy, those are fine. But the courage that everybody else seems to have in being vulnerable with others, especially their loved ones, scares me. It triggers something in me, like I need to pay attention closely to what I'm witnessing. As though the Universe mockingly shows me what I've been missing;
TRUST, that those around me won't brush off my tears as invalid, that my breakdown isn't looked down upon, taken advantage of or made fun of in any way.
I envied their (ppl who can cry) close connections with others as social creatures. Crying is natural to them but it is an incredible feat for me. Sometimes I do cry when family arguments happen, I can't control them. But I always make sure I beat myself up for it later (classic).
So that is why I cry uncontrollably when I'm alone. Because I just can't do it otherwise. Imagine feeling on the verge of crying, and then desperately sucking those tears back only to keep them permanently restrained so they never see the light of day, ever. It hurts your throat, lungs and heart physically but also the very essence of YOU. Living through that every day even after going though traumatic experiences is just.......sad, really.
Crying almost feels like dying to me, like letting people see me cry will be my death. It's stupid, pathetic, weak and an unnecessary struggle but it feels too real to ignore. I'm working on it, but before that........gotta sleep.
